M (snowym) wrote,

I just found out tonight that the college turned me and Noa down for the dorms, that they were full. The college gave a few other options, but instead of being able to get to the college 20 minutes by foot, it'll be 1 hour by subway, and more expensive. So I've got a few more things to worry about and decide on. I didn't see this coming, as the college acted as if we'd definitely get into the dorms. Sometimes when I think about going to Japan, I get really scared, and other times I wanna dance around happily. I keep on feeling some negative forces about it (ex: PARENTS, financial aid, etc), but I just really want to get there. It could be something I do only once in my lifetime, and I know I've got to take this opportunity, but it's so hard getting ready and having everything done. All my mom can talk about is how I'll probably mess up real bad and get kicked out of the country, and all the terrible things she can think of about the whole trip. She's psyching me out, and I wish she'd just believe in me a little bit, that I'm not that bad or stupid of a person. I honestly wonder when I've given her a reason to think things like this about me, and I have no idea. I'm going crazy, and I really want to get away. But I guess I'll be doing that soon, anyhow. I feel really frustrated right now, and my brain hurts. I think that's my signal to try and force myself into unconsciousness, because when I think about things, it makes me kind of sad. I'll ponder over it some more whether I like it or not, and maybe I'll think of something to make myself feel better again. In the meantime, I need some moral support, because from the way I've been feeling and acting lately, I'm obviously not doing too good of a job on my own -.-.

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